April 3rd, 2026
I’ve been instructed, by my delightful (?) publisher, Singman, to tell you about my new novel, Honk! If You Love the NHS, and why you should read it.
Firstly, I’d like to point out that the junior doctors (or Residents’, as they like to be called nowadays) are currently on strike in the actual, real world (thank you Keir). You might think that I’ve orchestrated this for the free marketing. I didn't. Though if I had those kind of powers, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here writing a blurb.
Honk! If You Love the NHS asks a simple question: What if the government, in its fully competent state, proposed to fix an overwhelmed NHS by… treating the British public like livestock? (I’m an extremely serious writer; I’ll have you know).
Enter Dougie Warren, a Yorkshireman and slaughterhouse worker just trying to get by, and Boris, his wildly incompetent trainee. Throw into the mix a coordinated national strike by unionised (and surprisingly sympathetic) butchers, and you get contemporary Britain unravelling in a deliciously grotesque style.
When meat production halts, die-hard carnivores are faced with the ultimate horror of… Quorn sausages! And, even worse, coming to realise that they actually love the alternative lifestyle. Alongside this sizzling narrative, readers are ‘thrown into the frying pan’ and have their principles tested when… the bacon finally runs out.
I don't like to brag; I'm Yorkshire born and bred and, as Yorkshire people, we already have a highly developed sense of our own importance. However, I am genuinely proud of this one (the book, not my hilarious puns found in the previous paragraph). Having been an ambulance driver previously (one of my many past occupations), the problems within the National Health Service are an ongoing issue that I care about.
I’ve been given to understand, by my highly esteemed publisher, that Honk! If You Love the NHS is an unnervingly familiar, satirical novel. Some may say it may even endear itself to those with Private Eye-leaning tendencies (and possibly even wearers of tin-foil hats, but we won’t go there).
Read it NOW, before the government gets its own way and actually implements this plot for real!
(Or even worse… you read that I have mysteriously disappeared in the middle of the night).
" Next, Matilda placed down How to Save the Environment. Boris caressed the spine lovingly. ‘This little beauty perfectly demonstrates how one can mask a highly lucrative money-making scheme, under the guise of a Low Emission Zone. Genius!’
As he stroked the front cover of How to become a Surgeon, he remarked on the resonant similarities between a butcher and a surgeon.
Matilda smiled politely as she handed over the last booklet, titled: How to influence Political Change. ‘Ah,’ Boris grinned. ‘I haven’t finished reading that one either. I’ll give you my opinion once I’ve learned all there is to know about corruption and the Masonic arts.’ "
